15 Jun Trusting Love After Divorce
Great title, but it’s not love that we don’t trust. What we don’t trust is our ability to make the right choice the next time around.
Divorce cuts at a deep level and it takes some people a longer time to heal than others. You’ve met that person; their social media page is full of memes that refer to love and wanting to be loved, but they haven’t been out on a date in years. If it’s a man, they look, but never pursue. If it’s a woman, they are pursued but will end it before it even begins.
So yeah, it’s not that they don’t trust love, they don’t trust that they will choose the right person.
I get it…trust me, I do. One day you think you know what you need, then a few weeks later that changes. You play that game in your mind for several months or even over the course of years. You think you have it all figured out (again) and then something happens and you start questioning the plight of humanity. It’s rather tiring.
So, how do we begin to trust in ourselves and our choices? So glad you asked.
1. Forgive yourself: Yeah, you missed (or conveniently ignored) the red flags in your past relationship. The problem with that? You’re still hard on yourself about it. Forgive yourself and take it for what it is: A lesson learned. You have learned to never ever ignore a red flag. Never. Ever.
2. She’s not her/He’s not him: Stop comparing every prospect to your Ex. It’s not fair to you or the other person. Just stop.
3. Release the baggage: You’re carrying the pain, disappointment and hurt from the former relationship around with you. You have become so used to carrying the baggage that you refuse to let it go. The sad part about that? The baggage is wearing you down. It’s time to let it go. Release the past and everything that came with it; it doesn’t belong to you anymore.
4. Needs vs. Wants: They are two different things and some of us don’t know the difference. It was the “wants” that may have gotten you in a bit of a mess in the first place. What you want and what you need from someone in your life are significantly different. Learn the difference.
5. Rediscover who you are: How have you changed since your Divorce? What have you learned? What would YOU do differently? How did you contribute to the relationship ending? You have to ask yourself some tough questions and be honest with your answers. I know it sounds cliche, but learning is the key to growth.
6. Don’t Rush: It will be 17 years since my Divorce and I’m not in a rush to be in a relationship. Whether it’s been 2 months, 2 years or 20 years, don’t let other people rush you into a relationship and don’t rush yourself into one. It will happen in due season.
Love never fails. People do. But even knowing that, opening yourself up to love again is a beautiful thing. Trust the process and trust yourself; when you know better, you choose better.
From my heart to yours,