03 Mar Deliverance From Daddy Issues Part 2
Written by guest blogger and my daughter, Gabrielle Cynthia
As an 18 year old who is very quickly approaching college, I have really started to sit back and reflect on my life; what I’ve experienced, what I’ve felt and what I’ve learned so far…
Growing up I never had a male figure in my household. I mean, yes, I was blessed with an amazing Father figure of a Granddad who loves and cherishes me and shows me what true love from a male is, but I never had my OWN Dad in MY own home. I never got to experience the goodnight kisses from my Father every night, the feeling of being my Father’s, “daddy’s girl”, I never learned how to deal with boys from my own Father’s advice.
Don’t get me wrong, my Grandfather has taught me and shown me how a man should genuinely love his girls and treat them like a Queen day and night. The love and care he gives to my Grandma, Mom, Aunt and myself is beyond amazing. Never have I once questioned his love for me.
But I’ve always wanted my Father to do what he was supposed to… Why couldn’t he just step up to the plate? Why did he leave me not even two months in after my birth?
It’s the simplest things that can really stop me in my place:
Talking with someone and they ask, “So, what do your parents do for a living?”
Filling in school information sheets and seeing, *Please insert your Guardians’ name and number below* and having to write, “N/A” when it gets to the Father section.
Then we have the big hitters that sneak up on me:
Father’s Day. It’s the same time every year, and it’s the same slight sadness deep down I feel every year.
And then of course, observation:
Seeing my Mom and Aunt have a relationship with their Father. Hearing them talk about memories growing up…the laughter come from the gut as they reminisce their father-daughter moments. And what adds to it, is them seeing me sitting there and begin to include me in on the memories of my Grandpa and I. I know it’s not intentional, but the subconscious effort of making sure I don’t feel left out or uncomfortable is what really makes me wince with doses of emotional pain.
When I was in elementary school, up until about 7th grade, I really struggled emotionally with my Father’s absence. I was a sweet girl, with great intentions, but I was very angry. What made it worse was that I didn’t really understand the reason behind my anger throughout those years. Everyday I would either see my Grandpa or talk to him on the phone and he would always make sure he told me he loved me, immediately sending a feeling of value throughout my soul. On the flip side, every night I would go to sleep feeling sadness because my Father wasn’t the one giving me this feeling of value like my Grandpa was. It was a constant internal battle. Most people would think that having my Grandpa stepping in would’ve made my Fatherless life easier, but even with that blessing, I was given examples of what my Father should’ve been doing, but wasn’t. Because of this, anger began to reside.
I came to terms with everything.
And I broke.
When I tell you I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore… Ugly face and everything, I let it all out.
I realized that him leaving was just God cleaning up.
I realized that everyday was a new day, a day where I made my choices and determined my happiness.
I realized that no matter who it is, I don’t need a man to determine who I am and will be.
Why give him so much power when he has only given so much absence? Years on top of years I blamed myself and felt rejected, but, then it hit me that his unresolved problems are what stopped him from becoming who he could’ve been…and I was surely going to be just like him and hurt people just like he did if I continued to allow his past actions determine my future actions.
I prayed and cried.
And then I believed and trusted that God did what was best for me.
He showed me what a man is supposed to do and what to look for, (my Grandpa) and then he showed me what I didn’t want or deserve in a man, (my Father).
Of course I will have some down moments, and of course sometimes I will wonder about what it would’ve been like had he gotten his act together; but then I remember that everything that happened involving him is what helped make and mold me into the successful, loving young woman I am today.
It’s going to be hard, but if you just love yourself, love the people who are in your life, and most importantly love God and what his plans are for you, you will always triumph.
Let that hurt go and be who you are destined to be. No one determines that nor makes you who you are but yourself. This anger, sadness, rejection: it all starts to become normal and trust me, it drains you and it is NOT the life you want to live. There IS a happy life you can live.
And always remember that every man in your life isn’t like the Father you were given. When you know yourself, you will know your worth, and when you know that, you will truly know what man is worthy of your love. You can’t make a man love you, therefore, love yourself and the rest will follow.
From my heart, to my mom’s heart, to yours.